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Dating Stories

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A Date in the Park With the Guy Who Asked Me to Suck it and See.....

"Go on, just suck it. You might like it."

I roll my eyes. Yet another date who confuses sleaze and innuendo with flirtation. For me, they're uneasy bedfellows.
I'm sitting in the park on an unseasonably warm day for the time of year. Before me is a mini banquet of all manner of romantic foods: chocolates; adorable cupcakes; dinky little sandwiches with the corners cut off; fizz. And yet there is no spark whatsoever between me and my date, who now sits next to me proffering a red lollipop, eager for me to wrap my lips around it. No doubt he's anticipating a preview of the 'technique' that I am now absolutely certain he is never going to experience in real life.
You should try to avoid going on dates if you're not that keen on the person. While it can be nice to 'get out of the house', toying with someone's affections merely because you don't have anything else in the diary is unfair. I am, of course, filled to the rafters with advice I never take and standards I set but refuse to live by, so, through lack of other options, I'm here with Graham, an accountant from what he calls "the West Country", getting grass stains on my favourite shorts. I'm a bad person, I know; I don't need telling twice.
This is our second date - our first was a run-of-the-mill 'four drinks and home' on a Thursday night. There was a distinct lack of something on our first meeting, but he has a nice face and has made the fatal mistake of acting as if he is very 'into me' -- the ultimate aphrodisiac. I am nothing if not vain and stupid, so rather than politely decline his invitation to poke over finger food in the middle of Regents Park, I accepted. For one brief, idiotic moment I imagined an afternoon basking in the undivided attention of a pretty boy would be a good way to spend the weekend and a relatively wholesome one at that. Instead, he's trying to get me to fellate sugary treats in an effort to move the date on from being two vague acquaintances nodding at each other across a picnic blanket, to a pair of lusty bodies writhing around in the herbaceous borders.
He's giving up his Saturday for what he thinks is a sure thing, so I do feel a little disingenuous having agreed to meet him. Lewd lollipops aside, he's gone all out to charm me -- and his picnic is impressive -- but, like I say, I didn't have anything better to do anyway. Sometimes that's the only reason guys say yes to a date -- an empty horizon. I have jumped upon the wrong ship out of sheer desperation.
I take the lollipop, despite myself, and wrap my mouth around it. He watches, transfixed, like a businessman watching a stripper take her bra off. To make up for my guilt at wasting his time, I make more of an effort to be entertaining and chatty. I know this isn't going anywhere, but I don't have to act like an arsehole. I at least owe him some conversation. I ask him lots of questions and he answers them eagerly. I quickly realise my renewed interest in him is making him like me even more. I'm not really sure how to extricate myself from this, so I turn on to my front and prop myself up with my elbows, noseying at everybody else in the park. He reaches out and strokes the back of my knee with his hand. I turn to look at him; he's staring straight ahead. His facial expression displays nonchalance, but the tremble of his touch betrays his nerves. Soon, the sun starts to slink off behind the trees. I sit up and nervously fidget with the lolly wrapper. 
He fixes his doe eyes upon me and asks: "What are you doing tonight?"
I lie back on the grass and close my eyes tightly. I hear the splash of prosecco as he refills my glass. "Nothing," I say. "I'm free tonight."
I open my eyes and he is looking back at me. I guess he's maybe thinking that 'sure thing' is going to work out for him after all. He's pleased, hopeful -- whereas I just wish I'd never laid eyes on that bloody lollipop.
Stats: 28, 5'11", brown/blue, Taunton
Where: Regents Park, London
Pre-date rating: 6/10
Post-date rating: 6/10 
Date in one sentence: Don't suck anything unless you're prepared to face the consequences.

Ready Made Love


I have a theory... I believe, (and I hope), that as many people my age come from the 'divorced parents' ilk, that when we set off into holy matrimony, we will put more effort into our marriage in the hope that it will stick, we will not leave when we get bored, tired or fancy a change, but attempt to have a marriage for better or worse, literally until death do us part. This is certainly going to be my attempt on marriage when I do it, anyway.

When I was 12, my mum (after years of speculation), discovered my dad was copping off with her best friend, our 'aunt', if you like.

She was heartbroken, utterly destroyed by this double betrayal (it had been going on an undisclosed amount of time; probably years), my mum acted in the only way you would want your mum to act, she was courageous. She kicked him out, got a haircut, got pissed and got divorced. (For the nosey ones reading, he went on to marry the best friend and they are still together to this day. I'm still to this day not sure if I think this is a good thing or not.)

In a recent heart to heart with my mum, I explained that as proud as I was of her at the time, being a strong, independent role-model for me at that vulnerable age, as I got older, and subsequently fell in love myself, my feelings have now somewhat shifted, and I find it now a shame that she didn't fight for her marriage. She didn't fight for my dad to stay, (not that I think it would have made a remote bit of difference mind you, but you never know), but the issue remains, she didn't FIGHT. Because people don't. She thought it was brave to let him go, not brave to ask him to stay.

I watched the film The Vow the other day (very good if you like that kind of thing) and Rachel McAdams' character questions her mum on her dad's infidelity, and asks her why she didn't leave him and why she didn't have any "dignity" (flippant word, often used in these situations), and she replies, "I chose to stay with him for all the things that he did right and not leave him for one thing that he did wrong." If I had heard that a few years ago uttered from my mother's mouth, I would have probably called her 'pathetic' and ran to the park to get pissed on 20/20 with my mates. Ah, the difference a bit of puberty makes...

This scene, and that drunken conversation with my mum got me thinking, what would I DO in that situation? Say it was me who had committed and married some dude for 15 years only to come home from work one night to find out he has had a full blown affair with another woman. I'm not talking a one night stand, but a full on "I love you, I might leave my wife and kids for you" type of affair. Would I think about my wedding vows at that moment and decide to swallow what little pride I felt I had and attempt to make the marriage work? Or would I act now, think later?

Do we want love, as we want everything else "READY MADE" these days?

Look at the world we live in. We want things fast. We can't even be bothered to shop anymore, nor even do it online, no. Now we have 'an app', so we can literally "shop while we shit." (That should be the apps world motto). You can sit on the bog whilst shopping on an app on your phone. I mean, talk about time saving.

Are we putting in the effort into our relationships? Are we honestly prepared to do the full hog? Or are we dipping in and out when it suits us?

I don't know who is right about the marriage thing. The fault remains on the person who has committed adultery, of course, I just hope that if I'm ever faced with that dilemma one day, that I have the courage to choose my wedding vows over my pride. Saying that, what a dick he must have been for cheating on me in the first place? Maybe I should ram those vows down HIS throat...

And so were back to square one...